To my daughter

Jacqueline Alba, baby Jackie, Jackie, Jack-jack, baby girl, mama, monkey, sweet cakes, and Remy's newest name- my little bother (from the cartoon Olivia).

When I was pregnant with your big brother I wanted more than anything to have a girl, as we know, that turned out not to be the case. Then 3 years later I got pregnant with you and I prayed that I would get my girl. Your father and I had trouble deciding on a name for you, I liked Thalia and Luisa and he, of course, wanted you to have a comic book name like Remy's (who we all know is named after Remy Lebeau aka Gambit from the X-men). Then I thought it would be fitting to name you after two very important women; my mother Jacqueline and your father's mother Alba. Even this he was not completely sold on, until I told him that your initials would spell JAM (to fit with his BAM and Remy's RAM) your papa is funny like that. Anyway, I got my way and I couldn't be more happy with your name. However, for me the icing on the cake was that you looked just like your Aunt Rhonda. I missed my sister, Rhonda, so much and thought about her constantly while I was pregnant. There are so many things that I admire about her and over the past two years I've seen more of her in you than I ever could have thought possible.

You were the sweetest little baby and it is a joy to watch you grow and learn. You test me in ways that Remy never did and you keep me on my toes as a very smart, curious and strong willed 2-year-old. There are many times that I've felt bad having to divide my attention between so many children with many different needs, but you seem to love to help me, from playing with the babies, feeding the dog, taking clothes out of the dryer and bringing me things when I'm strapped down nursing. I will never forget all your antics and I'm sure you will hate me one day for telling them to the world and though sometimes I think that you will drive me crazy I find myself laughing when it's all said and done. There are days where all I seem to say are: "No!" "Don't!" "Stop!" "Where are your pants?!" "Put that down." "Come here." and "Pow-pow!" it is amazing that you are so forgiving of me as a parent.

Thank you baby Jackie for being the little girl that you are (and thank God for only giving me one girl, I don't think I could handle more than that) and I look forward to watching you develop more into the special person that you are. I wish for you all the best and I will love you for all that you are- my only girl, my middle child, my hope and my dream... my little naked wild child that you are.

Mommy

Taking a breather

I've been wanting to write for a few weeks now and I seem to never get the chance. Not that there are never any down times in my day, but never long enough where I can write more than a sentence. Then if there is I'm so tired that I would rather do something brainless like watch t.v. or re-read one of my many romance novels. Right now I have about 20 minutes before Bry leaves for volleyball and I have to start getting the kids ready for bed, so I've decided to sit out a little and let him do dinner while I take a breather and write.

The days are going so by so fast and the months even faster. The little boys are approaching 4 months, Jackie still cries when I drop her off at play group and Remy is beginning to enjoy school (other than getting to ride on the bus). Since the weeks are always so busy, we try to do at least one thing fun on the weekend, but for me it seems to be go, go, go, all day every day.

Who would have thought that being a parent requires so many skills! Sometimes I feel like a referee of some MMA fight, making sure that everyone is playing somewhat fair. Then there are the specialty roles such as baby whisperer and story teller (yes, I do different voices when required). But some of the more obvious roles are, cleaning lady, cook and negotiator and I will be the first to admit that I go on strike in at least one of those departments on a weekly basis. Today the cleaning lady is on strike. Sometimes I just need a breather!

Maybe about 2 months ago I woke up early on a Saturday and went and got coffee, then went to read in the park while enjoying some soothing classical music. Needless to say I sat there so long that I killed the battery in my car and had to call a friend for a jump. Now, Bry feels the need to make jokes all the time, "Jaime, feel free to get coffee and a doughnut this weekend, but you don't have to kill the battery to have more alone time." And it's not that I don't love being with my family, but sometimes I just need a breather!

I've taken to eating standing at the counter and can finish most everything in 2 bites. I'm not joking either, just the other day I told myself I can't keep eating like this because I'm gonna kill myself, and that thought came after swallowing something that wasn't chewed enough and waiting several minutes while the lump slowly descended my esophagus.  I've also given up on exercising because lifting babies and chasing Jackie is more than enough for me. And though I'm enjoying the ages and stages of my children it will be wonderfully nice when they are more independent and I can sit and take a breather.

Until that day comes I've got a million and one other things that I need to get done and with all the holidays coming up I've got costumes to make, suitcases to pack (can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving) and presents to wrap (Remy has been begging for Battleship almost everyday and I can't wait for him to open it this Christmas if I can keep stalling him). It will be a very busy fall and winter, but hopefully I'll be able to catch my breath come 2012.

Pick up your toys!

Growing up we didn't have nearly as many toys as my children have now, but we still had enough to drive my mother crazy. A couple of things that I remember most about our toys were if it was cleaning time and we didn't pick them up fast enough they ended up in the trash and the other was (I'm laughing hysterically just thinking about it) how mad mom would get when she would step on one of those little tiny lego pieces. You see, we  used to build forts with the couch cushions and then precede to throw legos at each other in what we called Lego Wars, and at the end of the fight there would always be that one lego left behind. For those of you who have never stepped on a lego, or something equally small and hard, consider yourself lucky, because it hurts like you wouldn't believe.

Now that my children are getting older and are acquiring more toys of all shapes and sizes, legos included, I find myself tripping over things left and right. It's almost like a conspiracy, my kids plotting against me for all the times I take away their toys or put them in time out. I've stepped on legos and had to bite my tongue to keep from saying something highly inappropriate, and then I rightfully turn into evil mommy, making everyone cry as they pick up toys. I realize that it is an up hill battle with a five and two year old, but one I attempt once or more a day. I feel like Sisyphus from Greek mythology who was made to push the rock up the hill in Hades and as soon as he would get to the top it would roll back down again. As soon as I get one room clean they are making a mess of another. And if Bryan had his way he would never make them pick up because he has that mentality of why pick up if they just put it back on the floor?

Then there are the nights that the toys don't get picked up and it happens to be on those nights that I have to venture out of my room in the middle of the night, and the night lights that are throughout the house fail to illuminate all of the obstacles in my path. So, despite my efforts to go quietly about my midnight task, I find myself adding to the banging, clanging and singing of toys left out with muffled curses as I try to keep from falling. With all of this you would think that we would stop buying so many toys, but of curse that's not the case. The best part is when the kids are running around and trip over or step on a toy and hurt themselves and run to me crying. And as I try to keep from laughing I simply say, "I know that must have hurt and that is why we pick up our toys." And another point goes to mommy for the reasons we pick up toys.

Update

It has been a very long time since I've been able to sit down and write and even now I have very limited time. So, this will be just a brief update of life with 4 kids, even though I have several topics floating around in my head, they will have to wait until I have more time.

Now that the summer is over and all four kids are home we are beginning to settle into a routine as a family of six. The days are very busy even though it does not always feel like I do much. The weeks go by so fast and though I am anxious for the future I'm trying desperately to hold on to my little babies. Remy has started kindergarten, which I am happy is only a half day program in our area (I'm not quite ready for him to be away all day) and he has already lost 2 teeth! Jackie is getting the hang of using the potty (she is already leaps and bounds ahead of where Remy was when it came to that) she is enjoying having her big brother home even though he doesn't always want to play with her. She starts a once a week preschool playgroup in a week and I am curious to see how that will go for her since she is not the best at listening. The twins are a few days shy of three months and are sleeping better in the night which is a plus, but they are horribly fussy in the evening (which I am so grateful to work four evenings out of the week). I have not really stuck with keeping them on the same schedule during the day as far as feedings go, because I have found that it is easier to feed one baby and chase Jackie at the same time. Overall, I feel like a tennis ball during a doubles match, being bounced between 4 needy beings.

I have attempted working out again, which is extremely difficult to find the time to do it let alone the space, since Jackie feels the need to bring out all her baby dolls in strollers and car seats, but the worst is that I am so unbelievably weak! My core muscles have packed up and gone a vacation, leaving me with a lot of extra wrinkly skin. I should probably invest in Depends because coughing, sneezing and laughing have very unpredictable consequences. Bryan reminds me that I need to be patient, but that is something that is very difficult for me... I just want my body back.

Spending quality alone time with Bryan is a joke to say the least. At the end of the night when all the kids are finally sleep and I'm home from work and he doesn't have volleyball all I want to do is read for a little bit before I let sleep take over. For the time being I think this is ok for both of us since we are still very much in survival mode, but it will be nice not be so tired and be able to focus on each other sometimes instead of kids 24/7.

All in all, I am truly amazed and in love with my family. I look forward to the future and whatever it brings our way. I asked Bryan the other day if we were gonna make it. Not that we are having any problems or anything, I just like to hear his reassuring answers. So, I lean against him as he washes the dishes and I say, "Bryan, I want us to be together forever." He looks at me and smiles and as I turn to leave the kitchen he says, "forever is a long time, Jaime."  

Our final birth control

Yes, I did get permission before writing this blog and there is nothing in here that my husband doesn't already know.

Let me start by saying I love my husband. Birth control for the most part has mostly been up to the woman to take care of, which in my opinion should not always be the case. I was probably asked 100 times through out this pregnancy, "so what are you going to do for birth control?" And my response was, "well, that depends on how the babies are delivered." Since we knew from the beginning of our marriage that we wanted 3 kids and we ended up with 4, we knew without a doubt that we were done. Bryan and I had always talked about him getting a vasectomy, and though he wasn't 100% about getting one, he also was not against it. For me, I thought it was only fair that when the time came to close up shop, that he would be the one to do it. I mean really, it's only fair, since I had to carry the kids, push the kids out, and breastfeed. I didn't think it was too much to ask.

When it came close to the birth of the twins I got the name of a doctor, who is quite famous in the Rochester area for vasectomies, from a friend who got it done last year. After doing some internet searching about this doctor, and reading nothing but raving reviews, I thought this guy is the one. So, I click on the next link down, hoping that it would pop up a contact number and what do I see? This guys obituary! So, I call my friend to verify that it's the same guy, and he says, "I think so because the guy I say was like 80 years old and I was nervous in the beginning because he came at me with a shaky hand." Needless to say I found a random doctor that could fit Bryan in early enough so that he could heal before his recreational volleyball session started (he thinks he's the stuff, but I like to remind him that it's recreational). So yeah, the time came and even though I was the one to make the first appointment, he followed through and got it done.

The day before the procedure he needed to shave, and for those of you who don't know my husband, he quite hairy. Even though I was willing to shave more of the area for him, he was adamant that I didn't need to shave all of it. When the day of the appointment rolled around he took his sister with him (just in case he couldn't drive... only Bryan would do that), when he got back he said," I should have let you shave more, because the nurse came in and had to shave more and she wasn't gentle about." My exact words, "I'm sorry, but I told you to let me shave more." (Like many men, Bry has to learn things the hard way.) He asked me if I wanted to see it, which I declined, I had no desire to see anything. Anyway, I was more than willing to baby him the first day and even the second day, but after days 3, 4, and 5? Is it wrong of me to say suck it up? Don't get me wrong, I know it must be a bit painful, but so is pushing out a baby and I still had to do stuff.

Now, he is back at work and he can't do any extreme bouncing around for a few weeks, I will be happy when he is back to normal. I don't know how much longer I can take the slow walking, excessive sighing and the damn tightie whities (it would be one thing if he looked like Michael Jordan in them.)

I wrote this blog with a lot of sarcasm because that's how I am. I love my husband deeply and completely. I have a lot of respect for the man, that is man enough, to let me air his business about something so personal and for doing what others may not out of love for me.

Going from 2 to 4

I've been writing this blog in my head for a week now, and I've finally gotten the chance to blog it.

When I found out that I was expecting twins I was extremely scared about taking on two babies on top of a toddler and a 5 year old. I tried to prepare myself as much as possible by talking to people with twins, doing internet searches of tips to raising twins, and looking up Youtube videos of how to breastfeed twins (yes, they do exist). I got a lot of different advice from a lot of different people. Some parents advised that I not attempt to breastfeed because it would be too demanding, some said that organization was key, having a schedule was a must. Some people said that I probably would not be able to return to work, or that I really need to look into having a sitter.

The thing is, is that everyone has an opinion and though I never bashed the advice given, whether asked for or not, I already had a game plan. I was definitely going to breastfeed both boys exclusively for the first 12 months, there was no way I was not returning to work (especially since I only work part time and though I love my family I still need a break). Sure I would love to find someone to watch my kids every once in awhile, it's not a priority since we really don't have money to go out anyway and when we do we'd rather go as a family. The schedule thing I'm pretty good at, but I still nurse on demand for the most part. The one thing I am not good at, and probably never will be is organization. I try to stay on top of things but that never lasts too long but I don't have a conniption about it.

One of the best bits of advice that I got was that sometimes someone or everyone will be crying and that that's ok. I've been on my own only a few times with either 3 or 4 kids and I've been amazed that everything went smoothly. Sure there were tears, tantrums and disappointments, but at the end of the day everyone's needs were met. I can say that I'm proud of myself for not pulling my hair out with all the chaos that happens and for keeping my cool. I would have to say that I've worked very hard at letting go of certain things in exchange for others and at doing the best I can with what I have. Yes, I still cry when I'm overwhelmed, and I get snippy when I'm tired, but I take my 5 minutes then count my blessings, pull myself together and keep on going. Sure having 4 kids requires a little more juggling than two, but it's not as difficult as I was expecting it to be.

Of course, like I said earlier I've only been alone with the kids a few times thanks to all the help of friends and family, so I may change my mind... I'll let you know if that happens. Either way I take it one day at a time.

Before and after delivery

I've been wanting to write this blog for some time, but I've been rather busy lately. It's probably going to be a fairly long post just so you know.

Weeks before I delivered the boys I was preparing myself for the labor, though this was not my first pregnancy, I was still just as terrified of the birthing process as I was the first time. I tried not to set my expectations for vaginal and medication free delivery too high, considering baby b was refusing to turn heads down and depending on who the doctor on call was would determine whether I would have a vaginal delivery or a c-section. Anyway, I started watching the video of my delivery with Jackie as a refresher. Now, I've watched this brief clip several times, but I usually can not watch it with the volume on (it makes me cringe). However, to have a better reminder of the pain of having a baby, I turned on the volume and watched it several times over, amazed at what the female body could do and petrified that I would have to do it again with twins.

I knew my time was drawing near when I began to lose pieces of my mucus plug and the braxton-hicks contractions were becoming more frequent and stronger. I pushed through work, only calling in one day. When the weekend arrived I stayed home while Bryan drove 3 hours to meet his parents half way and bring back Jackie (I wanted my family together before the babies came) and I made sure that if anything happened I would have a ride to the hospital. I didn't do too much that day because I was easily tired and my back was killing me, not to mention I was having about 3-5 contractions every hour (nothing I thought to be labor inducing). Bryan finally got home around 4pm and I was over-joyed that Jackie was home after being away 8 weeks. Even though she was a bit stand-offish towards me, I picked her up and cuddled her anyway. I knew that I should probably have been resting, but there was no way I was not going to do what I could to get Jackie re-acquainted with her mama. Remy was just as excited to introduce Jackie to his friends next door, so I got myself together and took Jackie outside to play with the boys. I thought that I would be able to sit and watch for the most part, but for those of you with little kids you know how impossible that really is. Since Bryan left to run an errand I became the go to person, bringing out ice water, pulling out toys, and I even found myself playing a short game of tug-o-war (and yes, I pulled 3 boys ranging in age from 4-7 to the end for the win. I'll admit to having a little help from the leader of the group, 7-yr old Devon.) This playing carried on for maybe 30-40 minutes before I really needed to lay down and rest and Bryan took over playing with the kids.

So, the day went on with me taking frequent rests in bed and spending time with the family. I finally went to sleep around 9pm and woke up at 1am to tell Bry that I think we should think about heading to the hospital, but I needed to call the doctor first. The conversation with the doctor went something like this:

                                   me: Hi, I think I'm in labor, but I'm not sure.
                                   dr.: Are you having contractions and if so how far apart?
                                   me: Yes, but they are not consistent maybe 5-8 every hour.
                                   dr.: Has your water broken?
                                   me: No, but I've had some bloody show.
                                   dr.: Since you are having twins why don't you come on in.

So, I called a friend to see if she could come and watch the kids, but she suggested I bring them to her house. After talking to Bry about what we needed to do, it was becoming more apparent that I needed to get to the hospital quickly. Since, this friend lived about 20min away, I decided to call another friend who lived around the corner (I felt bad asking them because they have 3 small children of there own and Jackie can be quite the handful), and it was decided that the husband, Chris, would come and sit at the house for us. So, we finally left for the hospital around 2am and got there about 2:30am. I normally would have walked to triage, but this time I made Bryan wheel me up because the contractions were stronger and I didn't want the walk to make it worse.

After we got checked in and they got me hooked up to the monitors, they did an ultrasound to determine the location of the babies (A was head down, but B was still transverse). The doctor came in to discuss the delivery options: deliver baby A and then she would try to turn baby B, if that didn't work she would reach in and pull him down by his legs, and the last result would be a c-section. Mind you I am still having contractions, but if I had to rate it from 1-10 with 10 being the worse, I would probably say they were about a 5 or 6, just enough to make me pinch my lips and not talk. So finally, the doctor says, "well lets check your cervix and see what's going on," and that was when the chaos started. She says, " Oh my God, you're 9 1/2 cm and the baby's head is right there! We need to get her to a room now!" Because of the possibility of a c-section I needed to have a pain med, but it was too late for an epidural, so I received a spinal block (similar to an epidural but acts immediately and lasts less than 2 hours. I'll tell you, in all honesty, I'm glad I got it for this delivery but I'm glad I never got something like that with the other two. Because I had trouble arching my back it took awhile and I received a few sharp pains down my right leg, but when she finally got right, it was amazing how fast it worked. I literally couldn't feel anything. I pushed maybe four or five times before baby A, Zane Luis, was born at 4:15am. I had no idea how hard or for how long I needed to push because like I said, I couldn't feel anything, I just tried to remember how I pushed for Remy and Jackie and mimic it. Then it came time for baby b, he refused to be turned so the doctor reached up and with the help of an ultrasound she got his feet and delivered him feet first. I remember thinking the whole time, please God, let them get him out ok. Zander Leslie was born four minutes after his brother at 4:19am. So yeah, I'm glad I got that spinal block because I don't know if I could have suffered through the extraction of the second baby, Bryan told me later that when he saw what they were doing to me that he wasn't sure if he was going to make it. Two main things played a part in me not getting a c-section (which, I was absolutely terrified of having): 1) the doctor, she was confident of doing a breach delivery and of pulling the baby down, while some doctors aren't. And 2) the fact that baby A was much larger than baby B and therefore opened the way for his brother.

So, now that I am finally home, I must say that I have never been happier. Though it is very hard and I can't even begin to think about caring for the 4 children on my own, I would not change anything for the world. However, I am extremely grateful for all the friends and family who have shared their words of encouragement, offered their time and have planned to help whenever and however they can. I'm very emotional these days and find myself brought to tears by the kindness of others, for those that know me, I am not one that reaches out for help trying always to do things on my own. So thank you to everyone near and far for being there for me and my family through this wonderful, yet difficult time. I swear you all are killing me with kindness.

 Below are two pictures, one of me the night we left for the hospital and the other of me 4 days after delivery. And yes, I still look pregnant and I probably will for awhile, but I am happy to be 21 lbs lighter.